Haunted Hearts: The Spooky Dynamics of Unhealthy Relationships
- RMTC Team
- Oct 8
- 4 min read
Exploring the Limbo Between Repair and Release
You know that eerie feeling when something in your relationship feels off, but you can’t seem to move forward. One day, you wonder if you should leave. Next, you imagine what it would take to stay and repair. Then you end up stuck in the middle: haunted by indecision, confusion, and guilt.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not broken, weak, or dramatic. You’re human, and humans are wired in ways that make relationships complicated, even when the path ahead feels unclear.
This article is not here to tell you whether to stay or go. It is here to shine a light on why limbo feels so heavy, and how to start untangling what keeps you stuck.
Why We Stay in Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
Our nervous system’s top priority is survival, not fulfillment. That’s biology 101. Your body doesn’t care if you’re in love, respected, or thriving. It only cares if you’re still alive tomorrow.
That means your brain will cling to what feels familiar, even if it isn’t nourishing. This wiring goes all the way back to our evolutionary roots. The “lizard brain” — the most primitive part of the nervous system — is programmed to avoid danger, not chase joy. To your body, predictable pain can feel safer than unpredictable change.
So what does that look like in relationships?
If you grew up in chaos, unpredictability can feel like home.
If love was inconsistent, scraps of attention may feel better than nothing.
If you learned to walk on eggshells, silence may feel safer than honesty.
As RMTC therapist and co-founder, Carling, explains: your body can confuse familiar with safe. Even when your logical brain knows something is off, your survival brain is holding on tight. This isn’t weakness; It’s conditioning. It’s your nervous system saying: “We know how to survive this. We don’t know how to survive something different.”
Why Change Feels Scary
Picture this: you’re sitting in the passenger seat of your own relationship. You can see where you want to go — peace, connection, safety — but the wheel is being gripped by your survival brain… and that brain is stubborn. It doesn’t want “better,” It wants “known.”
To the nervous system:
Predictable pain feels safer than unpredictable freedom.
Familiar patterns feel survivable, even when they leave you drained.
The unknown feels like risk, even when it might hold relief.
This is why the advice to “just leave” or “just fix it” usually falls flat. Survival mode doesn’t respond to logic. It responds to comfort. Until your body learns it is safe enough to make a change, the haunted house will always feel easier to stay in than stepping outside into the dark.
Haunted by “What Ifs”
Indecision is rarely just about the person in front of you. More often, it is about the story you built with them, the future you imagined, the promises you thought you were building toward.
That dream can haunt you with endless “what ifs”:
What if they finally change?
What if I regret leaving?
What if this is the best it will ever be?
These aren’t silly thoughts. They are powerful survival strategies at play. Your brain hates unfinished stories, and so it drags you back into the same loop: stay, hope, repeat. Psychologists call this a trauma reenactment loop: the nervous system’s way of trying to “redo” old wounds by sticking around until it all works out differently this time.
The thing is, waiting for the “what ifs” to magically resolve keeps you locked in limbo. The haunting isn’t always your partner. Sometimes, it’s the dream itself.
Possessed by the Past
Sometimes, your partner doesn’t even need to be in the room for conflict to appear. The ghosts of your past show up anyway.
It might be:
The younger version of you who learned love = silence.
The teen version of you who believed they had to earn care.
The adult version of you who freezes whenever someone raises their voice.
That’s why you may say yes when your whole body wants to scream no, or why you shut down mid-argument even though your brain is still racing.
As Jason from our team likes to say: it’s the boogeyman in your bed. These old fears and conditioned roles sneak under the covers, hijacking your reactions in the present. The danger isn’t always your partner; it’s the history you carry into the room.
How to Begin Releasing a Haunted Heart
The goal is not to decide right now whether you should stay or go. The real work is naming what is shaping your choices.
Here are some questions to shine a light in the dark corners:
What exactly am I holding on to: the person, or the dream?
What am I most afraid might happen if I make a change?
What does my body feel when I imagine repair? What about when I imagine leaving?
What conversations feel impossible, and why?
These questions are not about rushing yourself into a decision. They are about separating fear from clarity, survival mode from possibility.
Stuck Does Not Mean Doomed
Being in limbo doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is doomed. It means something in the dynamic needs care, attention, or change.
Sometimes that change looks like repair. Sometimes it looks like redefining what the relationship means… And yes, sometimes it looks like letting go.
Wherever you land, the most powerful first step is naming what haunts you. Once you see it, you can finally decide whether to fight the ghost together or step into something new.
Therapy can help you explore what is keeping you stuck, build safety in your body, and create the conditions for either repair or release, with honesty, compassion, and support.
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Ready to go deeper, feel more connected, and stop white-knuckling your way through emotions or relationships?
We offer virtual therapy across Ontario — from our home base in the Grand River Area and Greater Toronto Area to communities throughout Northern and rural Ontario. In-person sessions are available locally as well.
We’re here to help you feel human, not just “handled.”
