Kind ≠ Compliant: How to Set Boundaries Without Becoming the “Bad Guy”
- RMTC Team
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
You know the drill: an invite appears, a plan is made without you, and somehow you’re expected to show up, smile, and perform. Part of you thinks, Be cool, don’t make waves. Another part is yelling, “I do not have the capacity for this.”
Friend, pause. Breathe. Kind does not mean compliant. You can be loving and still say no. You can protect your peace without applying for villain status. I’ve got you, fam.
The Pressure to Be the “Good One”
If you were raised to keep the peace — women, queer folks, eldest daughters, chronic caretakers, we see you — then “no” can feel like rejection.
You were trained to believe “good” means:
Always agreeable
Always available
Always accommodating
Here’s the truth your nervous system might not have learned yet: agreeable ≠ lovable. Being endlessly accommodating isn’t kindness. It’s self-abandonment dressed up as good manners. #sorrynotsorry
Why Boundaries Trigger Guilt (It’s Not What You Think)
When you set a boundary, your body often hits the panic button. Not because you’re wrong, but because you’re doing something new.
At RMTC we talk about exposure tolerance: your system learning to handle more emotional “heat.” At first, you sweat, you spiral, you feel guilty. That’s your survival brain throwing a toddler tantrum: Unfamiliar = unsafe.
With practice, your body learns the difference between “someone is disappointed” and “I am in danger.” So the guilt isn’t proof you’re failing. It’s proof you’re growing.
The Relationship Escalator: Why “More” Isn’t Always Next
Carling often references the Relationship Escalator (a concept discussed in polyamory and relationship-anarchy communities), which says there’s one “right” path:
meet → date → move in → marriage → kids → retirement → grandkids
Cute story. Not a universal truth.
If your life or identity doesn’t fit that conveyor belt, you’re not broken. You’re just not on that escalator, and that’s allowed.
Sometimes the healthiest “next step” is less, not more:
Skip the third holiday dinner.
Say no to in-law “drop-ins.”
Stop giving friends unlimited access to your time.
Stepping off the escalator isn’t failure. It’s choosing your own ride; one that fits your values, capacity, and context.
(Credit note: The “Relationship Escalator” is widely discussed in polyamory and relationship-anarchy spaces. Carling is referencing that body of work here.)
Boundaries Are an Act of Hope, Not Harm
A real boundary says: “I believe our connection can be better, but only if it’s honest.”
You can love people and still disappoint them.You can be kind and still say no.You can be caring without being compliant.
Relationships worth keeping can survive truth. In fact, they usually get stronger because of it.
Practical Reframes for the “Nice Ones”
Instead of this… | Try this… |
“I’m being selfish.” | “I’m honoring my capacity.” |
“They’ll be mad at me.” | “They’ll have feelings. That’s okay.” |
“I’m letting them down.” | “I’m showing up honestly.” |
Boundaries don’t burn bridges. They stop you from setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.
How to Start Without Feeling Like a Monster
No need to flip the table at Thanksgiving. Start small, boring, sustainable.
“I can’t make it, but thanks for asking.”
“I’ll confirm tomorrow.” (Buy yourself 24 hours.)
“I can come for an hour.” (Exposure tolerance in action.)
“I’m not discussing that.” (Topic boundary.)
“Please text before dropping by.” (Access boundary.)
Every small “no” is a rep for your nervous system. Just like your muscles get stronger with each rep in your workout, over time, saying no becomes as natural as saying yes.
Boundaries Don’t Always Have to Be Solo
Sometimes you’re the only one holding the line. That can feel terrifying, like showing up to a sword fight with a butter knife. The thing is, you don’t always have to do it alone.
Boundaries can also be reinforced through support networks:
A partner who agrees on a signal when you’re ready to leave.
A sibling who runs interference when the conversation turns political.
A friend who says, “They’re done talking now,” so you don’t have to.
Even a therapist or group chat you debrief with afterward, so you don’t carry the guilt alone.
This isn’t a weakness; It’s a strategy. Humans were never meant to navigate hostile environments, generational guilt-tripping, or overstimulating family gatherings alone.
So yes, practice saying “no” by yourself, but also don’t underestimate the power of someone in your corner who can cover for you, tag you out, or remind you that you’re not “too much.” Boundaries aren’t just about walls. They’re about building structures of safety, and sometimes safety means community.
Boundaries Build, They Don’t Destroy
If your worth has been measured by how much you give, then boundaries will feel like rebellion at first. It may feel tricky to buy into, but boundaries actually repair relationships, energy, and confidence. They create the conditions for trust, safety, and respect to grow.
So the next time your brain whispers, You’re the bad guy, remember: You’re not a villain. You’re just done auditioning for the role of the sacrifice.
Therapy can help you practice boundaries that feel grounded, not guilt-ridden, so you can protect your peace without losing your connections.
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