• Carling Mashinter, MSc., RP

Talking about Sex is Sexy

Many of you reading the title might think that we are referring to “dirty talk" well not quite…


Sure, “pillow talk” can be really connecting for people and can enhance sexual connections, but so can a number of additional ways when talking about sex with your partner(s).


Let’s go over some Dos and Don’ts when talking about doing each other!


Dos


Practice Sitting in Discomfort


You may find it uncomfortable to talk about sex because it can feel really vulnerable and nerve racking. We are also all under the influence of the sexual stigma that permeates in our society. Perhaps your partner(s) have not responded well in the past to attempts at sexual conversations and that may bring fear of negatively impacting the relationship. What we know is that personal growth and access to more fulfilling connections requires taking some risk and accepting the discomfort of vulnerability.


Be Transparent


While having conversations about sex, it is important to be clear about what you mean. Describing what you like in a vague way, may leave your partner(s) not fully understanding your desires. Being direct and specific about sexual matters will support enhancement of pleasure in your sexual connection.


Curiousity


It can be pretty easy to make assumptions about a partner, particularly if you have known them for a long time. Take a beginner’s mind when speaking with your

partner(s) about what feels good for them. We also recommend taking a curious approach to better understanding your own likes and dislikes during self-reflection.


Scheduling Time


Heck, many of us live quite busy lives and aren’t always in the head space to have conversations about sex, especially if these conversations feel vulnerable. Setting aside time to talk about your sexual connection improves your ability to be present and curious. It will help you maintain a curious mind and ensures that you have the energy to connect during this conversation. Why not make this a hot date night?


Don’ts


Judge


Judgement of your partner’s desires is definitely going to hurt your connection with them. Communicating about sex typically requires a high degree of openness and trust that it is okay to share these parts of themselves with each other. Judgement closes down space for curiousity and ultimately feelings of connection between partners.


Comparisons


You definitely want to stay away from comparing your current relationship with sexual connections you had in the past. Imagine your partner saying to you “well, Joe had more sex with me when we were dating”. For many, this would feel like a criticism and may incite defensiveness and conflict. Not so sexy, right?


Avoidance


As sex therapists, we see this occur often - people avoid talking about sex in their partnerships. This can lead to feelings of disconnection and lessened pleasure in their sex life. Regular check-ins about one another’s turn ons can be a super fun activity and also reduces the temptation to avoid (potentially uncomfortable) conversations.


Overall, seeing sexual communication as beneficial (and hot) is going to improve your connection(s) and enhance the pleasure of your relationship(s). We know that there is a direct link between sexual intimacy and the emotional bond that is fulfilling in relationships. Make sure to drop the Don’ts and take the Dos when it’s time for “pillow talk”.


If you are craving more information about how to have good sex, check out our latest podcast episode


You are also welcome to contact us if you would like more support on improving your sexual connection(s).