Arousal: 1: the act of arousing someone or something
2: a state of physiological and psychological excitation caused by sexual contact or other erotic stimulation (Merriam-Webster, 2021)
A*R*O*U*S*A*L. Say it with me arousal. Now say it with some passion. Did you squint your eyes and purse your lips? No? Ok, just me then. That’s fine. Everyone has a different passion face. Just like everyone has something different that really gets them going, really peaks their arousal.
If you’re embarrassed by what turns you on, don’t be. Do you think you’re the only one who likes your toes licked? Not true! Does it really get you going when you have your ear nibbled on? Other people feel the same way. Those are just two random physical ways in which you can be aroused. How about when you come home from a long stressful day at work and your partner tells you “I’ve started supper already”. Oh yeah baby, you work that oven! Tell me that doesn’t give you goosebumps just thinking about it already. There are so many ways for which we can become aroused. From watching your partner complete chores to being touched to being complimented out of the blue in front of a stranger.
Emily Negoski, Ph.D. does a great job of explaining how certain things give us the green light of passion or as she calls it “the breaks” on arousal. According to her website, Emily is a “writer-educator-researcher-activist-nerd” (About Emily, n.d.) She discusses how when certain stressors are on your mind it’s hard to become aroused. If the living room is a mess or there is a chance someone may walk in while you’re getting your groove on it can put you off. So quickly fix up the mess of the living room and put a lock on the door. Do what you can to alleviate the stress so your desire can peak through and then bow chicka wow wow.
We’re all just out there searching for what feels good right? We look for a job that makes us happy, a partner that gives us butterflies, a pet that soothes our soul or hey, even a vehicle that makes us feel powerful. All of those things we’re searching for provide us with positive feelings. We desire good feelings whether it’s a physical feeling or an emotional feeling. Does this differ between men and women? Of course not. That “good feeling” doesn’t discriminate between sexes, races or even forms of life. Even wild animals desire a pleasurable feeling. It’s been said that plants will even grow better if you talk to them.
Since our topic of the month is based around females you may argue “My partner has asked that I spank them. It’s not normal. It’s gotta be painful. How can this be an okay thing to desire?” And to that I say, “It IS normal!” They are seeking out a feeling that brings them pleasure in some form. As long as you and all involved are consenting, feeling good and safe then you’ve likely got the green light to try new things. You and your partner are allowed to desire different things. While we are on this topic of questioning sex and fabulous females let’s get into masturbation. Some may think it’s just for men and that only men desire such a thing. Well, you would be wrong. Many women desire this also. They not only desire pleasuring themselves, but they enjoy watching others or being watched while they complete the act.
To sum up everything, desire is a personal feeling. Some people desire the same types of things and some people don’t. Does it mean you’re not compatible with a partner if your desires are different? To that I answer… a little exploration will open your world up to so much pleasure.
If you would like support, we have clinicians who are relational and sex therapist! Book in your first session! You can also check out our latest podcast if you are aroused (lol) by this topic and want to know more.